i am NOT defeated yet!

lately i seems to have discover a lot of problems and shortcomings abt myself.. really dunno wan myself to be like tis ah.. i noe it is inevitable tat pple have bad points but i really dun wan myself to have all these.. petty, paranoid, unreasonable, demanding and short temper...

i get irritated easily lately and losing temper at pple around me and myself very often. tat day, i was so irritated by my own attitude tat i actualy throw my temper at my grandma when she was reminding me abt someting out of goodwill.. i shouted at her not to keep nagging.. i was so angry abt myself and regretted my actions so much.. i really din noe y i shouted at her.. and i din mean it.. i shld have told her nicely tat i will do it. i really really regretted. and tis few days, i juz kept myself in the room doing my tings. i noe how lonely grandma felt when she is sick now, cannot go out. only left me can tok to her and yet i locked myself in the room. but i juz worry i tok to her more, i can't control and lose my temper again. i realy hate myself being like tis.. so rude to my grandma.. telling myself over and over again to control and cannot like tis but yet i juz can't hold back.. i noe grandma will not hear tis but i juz to say "grandma, i am really really SORRY.. dui bu qi"

juz cannot seems to get myself to speak to pple nicely and be less annoying lor.. i noe i can't carry on like tis.. cos if i became a person who juz flare up easily, i will surely face problem wherever i go in future. getting more narrow minded is someting tat i feel tat i am really have problem with.. dunno y.. juz feel tat living in a world with only me and me.. no longer the old WS where i will tink in a general picture. now is really a world me Me and Me only! dun like tis.. really dun like.. i noe i am a petty girl all along but i noe i had been within limits all these while.. juz tat nowadays, i am getting out of hand... getting petty over minor small tings easily and making a fuss over unnecessary tings.. y? y am i like tis?

i really hate to admit but i realise all my short comings r really getting more and more where i feel like strangling myself at times liao.. i am running from reality by not admitting it though i noe it is getting serious.. NOW i can no longer run away from it. it is obvious when i am full of tinking where i din used to have it, actions where i dun usually do. i wan to save myself before tings get out of hand. i wan to be the old WS where i used to be.. can i? can i get tat WS back?

wat muz i do? izzit becos i locked myself at home all these while so develop such an undesirable character? so self centered and unreasonable... it had not been part of me when i was in the past.. y is all these happening now when i am going to study in Aust in 2 mths time? i wan to spend my remanining time happily with my grandma, parents and family and frens but can i do it? can i change my attitude towards pple? in the past, i can say i can.. now i start to doubt my ability and confidence.

i MUST do someting.. really.. i dun wan to become such an idiot for rest of my life.. i dun wan to be hated by pple.. i dun wan! i dun wan! i muz cool down.. i muz organise my tots and ask myself wat i wan.. i shall not be defeated so easily.. cannot say "i admit defeat" when i can still save myself.. cannot! use tis chance to go overseas and relax my mind 1st. try to calm my inner feelings and have a clearer mind hopefully will allow me a greater room to tink. i wan to be like the past and in fact be better. i dun wan to shout at pple around me, i dun wan get so unreasonable.. can i do it? YES! i can and i MUST! 2 mths.. 2 mths to going overseas.. 2 mths to Aust study.. i will and i MUST do it! in these 2 mths, i muz cool myself down be it inner or outer... if not, for my rest of the life, i will fail as a person, as a granddaughter, as a daughter, as a sister, as a niece, as a cousin, as a fren...

no one can help me.. even if i tell my frens all these, i noe none can help me cos tis is my life, my own character, my own tinking. if i dun help myself, how am i going to walk out of tis undesirable moment in life? i still rem Adam Khoo's teachings... 100% participation and failure is feedback. i noe i failed and i muz use all these as feedbacks and i wan a 100% participation of myself in tis moment of character modifying and moulding period! i noe i can.. confidence level is low now.. but i noe i can do it cos i am NOT defeated yet!