Monday, March 21, 2016

My Grandma

8 March 2016 was an extremely long day for me and my family. We lost someone whom we love very much.

In the morning, I noticed that Grandma was not eating her breakfast nor was she able to swallow her medicine. Grandma was warded into TTSH just one week before that for bacteria infection. Ever since she came back from hospital, she had fever and had not been eating very well. That very morning, she was feeling quite uncomfortable. Aunt YY said that she will get the doctor to come by and take a look at Grandma. Hence, I left for work at around 1030am. 

When I reached Bugis Junction, headed to run some errands for my business trip departing the next day, Aunt YY called to ask me to cancel my business trip as Grandma was not looking too well. After finishing up with my errands, I quickly called Aunt Cindy for more clarification. She said that the doctor was on his way to our house to look at Grandma and Aunt Cindy will give an update after that. I spoke to my GM and decided that I should just cancel my trip and arranged for another colleague to go on my behalf regardless. I quickly headed to office and explained the situation to my Boss. He was agreeable for the replacement. As I was frantically reaching out to the airline, ferry company and my HQ colleague to make the necessary arrangement for name change, Aunt Cindy called at around 1215pm. I missed that call but I could sense that something unusual had happened, otherwise she would not have called but texted me instead. I quickly called her but the phone was engaged. I was even more convinced that Grandma was really not doing good. I called the home phone instead and Aunt YY picked up the call. She said " The doctor is certifying now." I replied "ok, I will get home ASAP!" Staring at my computer screen, my mind is completely blank and I do not know what to do. At about 1240pm, Aunt Cindy updated all of us in our family group chat that Grandma has passed away at 12pm and the undertaker will be taking away Grandma's body at 7pm. With that, I knew that I still have a few hours and I should finish up what I need to do before heading home to say my final goodbye to Grandma. While my colleagues asked me to go home immediately, I clearly know that Grandma was well taken care of by my aunties and I need to finish up my work on hand so that I can handover to the colleague who was replacing me on the business trip. This is also something that Grandma will expect me to do as she always said that we should be responsible for what we are supposed to do and complete. 

After handing over to my colleague, I headed home at about 5pm. While the taxi took the usual route, I felt that the journey was longer. Along the way, I kept asking myself "Did Grandma choose to leave only after I left the house so that I will not sit at home to sob and not able to finish up my work-on-hand? Did Grandma choose to leave on the day before my business trip so that I will not miss out in saying my final goodbye and feel guilty about it for life?" With all these thoughts running in my mind, I finally reached home. I headed to Grandma's room straightaway. She was lying motionlessly in bed, looking so peaceful as if she was asleep. My tears just kept rolling down uncontrollably as I sat by her side, holding on to her icy cold hand and calling out to her. Ever since Grandma was sick for the past few years, I tried to imagine how will I react when Grandma leaves. While in my mind, I knew that Grandma's departure was kind of a relief for herself as well as her caregivers as she had been fighting with dementia for the past 6-7 years, I just can't bear to see Grandma leaving us for good. I just cannot imagine life without the lady who had been taking care of me since I was born. After spending a good 1 hour of alone time with Grandma, I finally calmed myself down. Together with Cousin SW, Cousin SY and my Brother, we said our final goodbye to Grandma with our usual bickering and "suan-ing", something that we had been doing since young in front of our Grandparents and something that Grandma will enjoy, I'm sure. :)

My brother and I have always been very close to our Grandparents as we were taken care by them since birth. As our parents were busy at work, we spent most of our time with our Grandparents and we had been staying with them since young. Grandma had the 重男轻女 mentality, hence she had always sided my brother while Grandpa will always stand by my side. Being the youngest in the family then, Grandpa naturally doted on me the most, bringing me along to wherever he went. I was therefore closer to Grandpa. 21 years ago, after Grandpa passed away when I was 11 years old, I even had the thought that no one will dote on me anymore. However, I was wrong. While Grandma was very stern with me since young, she had never let go of my hand in fact. After Grandpa passed away, she had to shower my brother and I with even more care, concern and love as she was doing it for my Grandpa as well. Grandma had always been strict, stern and never go easy in canning us. Deep down inside her heart, she has also never stop caring for us. 

Over the few days of funeral, I had been thinking to myself and recalling valuable memories between Grandma and I:  

-  As she was taking up the role of my primary caregiver since I was born, she fed me, bathed me, ran after me when I refused to sit down and finish my food, cared for me when I was unwell.

- When I first went to Nursery, I didn't like it. Just like other children, I felt uneasy and scared. I cried and cried until I saw Grandma standing outside the classroom. I was assured by Grandma's presence. 

- After learning how to cycle, I joined my brother in an unofficial bicycle race in the neighborhood. Being the youngest among the neighborhood kids, I was not as fast as the rest of the big brothers and sisters. To make matter worse, I even lost control of my bicycle and rolled down the steps together with the bicycle. I had a big bump on my face near to my right eye and quite a number of cuts and bruises on my arms. My brother and I were scared to be scolded so we didn't dare to tell anyone after reaching home. I ran into the room immediately and hide under the blanket. When Grandma saw my face during dinner, she did not utter a word. All she did was prepared a hard-boiled egg and rolled on my bruises. She did that for about a week until the bruises went off. 

- When I was in primary school, Grandma will always be the one to go to school with my books and belongings, should I forgot to bring. 

- I had chicken pox when I was in Pri 2. Grandma prepared food everyday for my recess as she was afraid that I would take any food that may contain soya sauce or any other ingredients that I should not consumed then.

- One day after school when I was in Pri 4, I was playing with my friends my way home. Without realizing that there was a puddle of water on the floor, I slipped and fell. I dirtied my uniform. Feeling embarrassed with my dirty and wet uniform, I didn't dare to take the bus home . Thus, I walked home and ended up reaching home later than usual. I thought Grandpa will be home then and there would be someone to shield me from Grandma's scolding and canning since I was home late and was in dirty uniform. However, Grandpa was out and only Grandma was around. I was prepared to be scolded and caned but to my biggest surprise, when Grandma saw me, all she did was to ask me to take a shower and clean up. She took my dirty uniform to soak and prepared my favorite minced meat with noodles for lunch. I explained to her what had happened. She said "as long as you are safe and okay, everything else does not matter."

- Whenever my secondary school friends gathered at home after cross country day or sports day, Grandma would prepare a feast for them. I know many of my friends still miss Grandma's fried bee hoon very much. :)

- During AMKSS' school carnival, Grandma helped to prepare a big tub of fried bee hoon for my class' food stall. Though my aunties tried to persuade her not to do it as it was a lot of hardwork, she insisted as she wanted to help me.  

- During polytechnic days, there was once when I was involved in a charity event that was held in the old National Stadium. I had to go around to sell charity vouchers to the event attendees. Grandma was one of the event attendees. She used her 人情牌 and asked her group of friends to buy the vouchers from me. 

- Grandma was pleased that I went to Australia for university studies. For the first time, I truly felt that she was proud of me. Whenever I came back for holidays, I heard how she will boast to my relatives about what I was doing in Australia. Grandma and her gossip khakis... :)

- In 2007, Grandma went for her last overseas trip. She attended my convocation in Australia. I was very grateful that she managed to be there to witness one of my important moments. I was very thankful that at the age of 79, Grandma was able to travel all the way to Australia.  She was grinning from ear to ear as I received my degree on stage. After a full day of walking around, Grandma was very tired. Her hands were shaking as I held on to her while we walked back to the hotel.

Me in my graduation gown with Grandma at my faculty, UQ Business School

- In 2008, when I came back from uni studies, Grandma was so delighted that I 学成归来.

- In 2009, when I went on my first business trip, Grandma kept reminding me to be careful. She even stayed up to wait for me to be home after my late flight arrival into SG. 

- After celebrating Grandma's 80th birthday, Grandma's health started to deteriorate. Her dementia set in.

- From 2010 to 2016, Grandma's health went from bad to worse within a few years. With dementia, Grandma went from an active senior citizen who likes to move around to cooping herself at home all the times as she did not want to see anyone. In 2013, we almost lost her when she suffered from brain herrmonge. She completely lost the ability to look after herself since then. 

Here are some photos of Grandma and us at the various family outings: 

 
Family in Australia for my convocation
Grandma's CityCat experience in Brisbane
Family in Australia for my convocation
Grandma loves marketing afterall. She was sulking because she can't buy the fresh produces home! :)

Family in Australia for my convocation
Grandma exploring Surfers' Paradise
Family in Australia for my convocation
Grandma is an ice cream lover too! :) 

Family outing @ The Hakka Festival

Grandma and Little Lynnette... 1st generation vs 4th generation! :) 

 Grandma with Cousin SW and Little Lynnette

Grandma happily sipping the tea served by my Brother and Sis-in-law

Grandma's 80th Birthday! 

Brother, Cousin SW, Cousin SY and myself with Grandma @ Grandma's 80th Birthday! 


Eldest Grand Auntie and Grandma in 2014, a rare photo of Grandma smiling so happily ever since she was down with illness

Eldest Grand Auntie and Grand Uncle with Grandma in 2014.Eldest Grand Auntie and Grand Uncle have always doted Grandma very much and always make it a point to visit her once every few weeks and keep updated on Grandma's condition by calling up to check on her regularly. Somehow it is fated, they visited Grandma on 8 March morning after knowing that she was sick. Coincidentally, they were just in time to send Grandma off in her final journey. Thank you, Grand Auntie and Grand Uncle for always keeping Grandma in mind and make a point to visit her even when Grand Uncle is not feeling well. Grandma is very fortunate to have you guys as her younger brother and sister-in-law. 
舅公,舅婆,谢谢您们对奶奶的关怀与照顾。虽然舅公的健康欠佳,您们还是不辞辛苦,经常来陪伴奶奶。感谢您们这一段时间给予我们一家人的支持与帮忙。

1 week has passed by and I am still trying to get used to not seeing Grandma when I reach home everyday. I really misses Grandma very much and will never forget the good and bad times spent with her. As I walked down the pathway that she used to walk and go to places that she used to visit, I can't help to think "it will be good to have her with me". I know that we can't turn back time and we have to move on with life. Grandma is now reunited with Grandpa (someone whom I misses very much as well though he has left us for more than 20 years). I always believe that Grandpa is my guardian angel watching over me all these while. Now I have another guardian angel. :)

"Ah Nei (Grandma), I really misses you very much. I know you have reunited with Ah Da (Grandpa) and will continue to watch over us from wherever you are. Don't worry about us as we have all grown up and capable of taking care of ourselves. Thank you for taking care of me for the past 30+ years. I will continue to do my best in whatever I am doing so that you will always be proud of me."

"奶奶,感谢您这些年来的照顾。您的教导,我没有忘记。您对待他人的态度,我会学着。在我心里永远有着重要的位置。对您的想念,我会放在心里。和您相处的美好时光,我锁在记忆里。答应要让您为我感到骄傲,我一定会做到最好。奶奶,您一路好走。和爷爷相聚时,别忘了想念我们哦!"