1 month passed by and I just would like to pen down some thoughts for my own memories.
My dearest father passed away after battling with an acute infection in the blood and lungs. As I shared with some friends, no matter how mentally prepared I thought I was, no matter how many times I might have rehearsed the similar scenario in my mind, when things started to unfold in reality right in front of me, I just couldn’t hold on as strong and tough as I hope to be. I could felt the instant deep and sharp pierce in my heart when I had to sign off on his death certificate. It’s a feeling that I will never forget for life. When I saw his body lying lifelessly at the mortuary, the painful feeling is even more intense and it’s a moment that will remain with me for life.
As Mum, Bro and I had a discussion beforehand when Doc informed that Dad was in a critical condition so we could reached consensus swiftly with Dad’s funeral arrangements. With the support from everyone else in the family and a very professional team from SFS, Dad’s funeral could be put in place swiftly and smoothly.
Asked me how I went through the following 1 month after Dad has passed on, I honestly had no idea. All I knew was that there were 101 things to be done and 101 decisions to be made. Do I have time to properly grieve? I guess not. But I know I will be good eventually. Based on previous experiences with Grandpa and Grandma’s passing on, I’m not going to push myself to be okay right away cos I’m not. I’m just going to give myself time to be okay whenever I’m ready in my own way.
Growing up, I wasn’t close to my parents, especially Dad. Bro and I will only see them on every weekend as they were busy at work so we were primarily taken care by our paternal Grandparents. I remembered that whenever we went home over the weekend, Dad will always bring us to McDonald’s and we could order anything we wanted. Perhaps because he don’t get to see us often, he had never been the stern father character who would scold, cane or discipline us. He was always a “Yes” man in front of us. As Bro and I started to have more commitments, our weekend outings had gradually stopped. So Dad started to make weekly trip to visit us instead. Sometimes he might not even get to see us as we weren’t home. Nevertheless he would still make the trip down, left us some money and went off. Even when we met, being a man with few words, he would usually just sit by the side quietly and observed us.
In my memories, Dad wasn’t someone who talks a lot and when anyone, especially Mum and the family, needed him to do anything, as long as he could do it, he would just do it without asking much. From trivial matters such as setting up the big table for reunion dinner to bigger matters such as taking care of maternal Granny, as long as Mum needs his support, he would just be there to do it. Towards us, he never force us to do anything we dislike. His usual statement to us: 随便你喜欢. He was also someone who didn’t like to impose on anyone. As long as he could do it, he would do everything on his own.
I became closer to Dad when he started his regular medical appointments and I became his main spokesperson and key contact. That was when Dad and I got to spend more father-daughter time together. While we still don’t talk a lot to each other, we would just enjoy the quiet moments together. This was also how I have observed that as I aged, Dad was growing older too. His movement was no longer as agile as compared to previous, he felt cold easily in air-con areas and he was eating less. He knew he wasn’t walking as fast as me, he would always signal to me with his hand to and said “你先走你的”. He didn’t insist that I walk slowly with him. He just tried to manage on his own. But initially I was puzzled by that statement. Why do I have to walk ahead of you on my own when I’m here with you to see the doc? Then I realised if I were to slow down to match his speed, he felt uncomfortable as I was deliberately slowing myself for him. So I would always tell him I would go ahead to register for him first and find a seat for him while he slowly made his way. I didn’t want to make him feel bad that he was imposing on me. Over time, we developed this father-daughter 默契. I would walk, stop and look back at times. As long as he could see me, he knew where I was heading to, and he would follow and I knew he was good.
Dad’s last journey was peaceful. The weather was very cooperative. Rain stopped and sun came out when Dad’s hearse came home. Rain stopped and clouds came out when Dad’s hearse left for cremation. Over the 5 days of wake, Dad’s neighbours and friends in the estate came by. I knew Dad and Mum were close to people living in the estate as they had been living here for years and were frequent visitors at the market with their newspapers stall. However I probably didn’t realise Dad had left quite a good impression with many of them till they came by to send Dad off on his last journey. I vividly remembered the encounters with 3 of them. 1) She stood at the entrance of the wake for a moment, popped her head in to look at Dad’s photo and she left after a while. I asked Mum who she is. Mum said she is our neighbour from another floor. She isn’t normal, in Mum’s words, a bit siao. Dad would always greet this neighbour and spoke to her whenever they met at the void deck and in the lift. 2) A cleaner from the market came by late at night to pay respects to Dad and gave a relatively big sum of condolences money. He said he wanted to give to show his respects for Dad. In his own words he said “Because Uncle is a good person.” 3) This neighbour from neighbouring block came by first night, paid her respects and dropped off the condolences money and left. Thereafter she came back every night to pay her respects quietly and left without saying anything. On the last day, she came by, paid her last respects and walked quietly beside Dad’s hearse for the final sent off. I wanted to say a BIG thank you to all of them and others. Thank you for coming by to walk the last journey with my Dad. Thank you for telling me with your actions that my Dad is a good person.
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| 这是我的好人老爸！ |
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| 原来老爸也可以act一个cute… 😂 |
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| 老爸的生日，老爸自己拿自己的寿桃包。 |
“老爸，我说过我会带你回家。我做到了。少了痛苦，少了吃药打针，你应该轻松多了吧。你看到”阿达”和”阿內”了吗？帮我跟他们两老问好。现在有“头奖”和“二奖”陪你，好好享受哦。有空可以去看看你老婆/我妈，她应该很想念你。没有人给她每天呱呱叫，她应该不习惯。但她一定会好好的，不要担心。有空去去老哥的家，Asher🐶很想念你。你还记得怎么来大巴窑吗？有空来看看我和大家吧。”
